time to blossom

March 18, 2018


Spring is almost upon us and what better time than now to talk about blossoming! (Not literally but in the figurative sense. I don't actually know enough about plants to be able to write about them ... but I thought the word was quite fitting since the world is slowly starting to come back to life and blossom again. And I took some photos of early blooming flowers the other day before it started to snow again that I wanted to post, haha.) So in this post I want to write a bit about self-esteem and self-care. I'm definitely not an expert and I'm still learning about these topics as well but I still feel like sharing some thoughts. I've been thinking about everything related to self-confidence for quite a while now and it's something I really want to work on.

I've always been struggling with low self-esteem. I don't remember what it was like when I was a kid but as a teenager, I didn't really have any confidence. At all. Due to a couple of different reasons, I never felt good about myself. I didn't like the way I looked and I felt like I was never good enough at anything. For years, I only ever saw my flaws and weaknesses. When someone complimented me or said something nice to me, I never used to acknowledge it. I was incredibly insecure and shy. Actually, I still am. But overall, it's gotten a lot better over the last few years. When I was younger, I used to read a lot of articles in magazines about how to gain confidence. They always said that in order to be more confident, you first need to be happy with yourself. Wow, what a great tip! I never knew how to do that though. How could I be happy with myself when I quite obviously was neither particularly pretty nor talented? When there was nothing great about me?

What these magazines didn't say was that building confidence takes time. A lot of time. Especially when there's people around you who constantly make you feel inferior. As far as I remember, I didn't really start to gain self-confidence until after I graduated from high school. That was almost seven years ago (like, what?!) and I'd say I'm still just beginning to learn to love myself. Over the past couple of months, going to therapy has actually already helped me accept myself more. Talking about my thoughts and feelings and learning where my (confident) issues come from made me a lot more aware of the person I actually am. I am a lot stronger than I always thought I was, for example. Not necessarily when it comes to weight lifting, haha, but definitely when it comes to psychological matters.

The thing is though, I don't always have to be strong. Being vulnerable is okay, too. And it's okay to be shy and curvy and have weaknesses. It's even okay to be insecure sometimes. I don't have to be perfect at everything. I don't even have to be good at everything. That's impossible. But what's important is that I realize it's part of who I am. And I am okay the way I am. And certain things I'm not okay with, I can work on them. Self-love starts with self-care. If I don't take care of myself, nobody else will. And acknowledging achievements and taking compliments and being proud are all part of that. (Okay, I realize this post is slowly turning into a pep talk for myself, haha.)

Anyway, I coincidentally watched a few different videos about self-confidence throughout the week and some of the things addressed in those actually were incredibly thought-provoking; unlike those stupid tips in the magazines I used to read as a teenager. One of the most important things for me is, I want to stop worrying about what others think. Something I realized in therapy is that in my youth, I spent way too much time trying to please others. I'm the only person I have to please! And that's what's most important. And again, that definitely does not mean I have to be perfect. A while ago, someone on Instagram sent me the following quote and I'm pretty sure it's one of the most uplifting ones I've ever heard! (It's apparently originally by American actress Sophia Bush, by the way.)

"YOU CAN BE BOTH A WORK IN PROGRESS AND A MASTERPIECE AT THE SAME TIME."

The whole world is a constant work in progress but it's still so wonderful. Flowers for example. They just do their thing and blossom. And it's time for me to do that as well! As I said, I'm not nearly as insecure as I used to be but it's still a struggle every day. The first tip I actually applied when I started gaining self-confidence was to try and fake it. (The confidence, I mean.) One thing I used to hate was meeting new people. But what really helped me was the fact that I got invited to all those pr events back when I used to make beauty videos. Most of the time (especially at the first few events), I didn't know anybody there, so I just had to meet new people. It took all of my courage to step out of my comfort zone and be open and talk to somebody but when I did it, it made me feel amazing! Doing something I am scared of and figuring out that it actually isn't as bad as I thought or that I'm actually not terrible at it is such a great confidence booster for me.

Another thing I just recently realized is that I really need to stop giving myself such a hard time and bringing myself down. I'm someone who constantly used to seek recognition, that's why I always tried to please others. But if I don't believe in myself, chances are others will have a hard time believing in me, too. I want to focus a lot more on telling myself I'm okay the way I am. I want to stop drawing the attention of others to what I consider my flaws and weaknesses. Because somebody else might not even notice those. The other day I finished a painting that I wasn't quite happy with and decided to paint another version of it. I later asked on Instagram which one of the two paintings people liked better. And surprise, surprise, the one I didn't really like won! This showed me that maybe, the things I do and make and create really aren't as bad or hideos as I sometimes think they are. And I'm pretty sure I can apply that to my personality and appearance as well.

Sometimes I catch myself thinking I just suck at everything even though I should know by now that that's not true. Yes, there's a lot of things I'm not particularly good at but there's a lot of things I'm great at, too. And I have to admit to myself that it's actually really important for my self-esteem to tell myself I'm good at certain things. I want to become a lot more aware of the features I like about myself. I'm sure that once I stop doubting myself all the time, I'll start to feel more confident. Writing down those positive thoughts can be very helpful. Even though it's hard for me to pinpoint what it is that I actually like about myself, I think it's an important exercise and the first step to building more self-love! And that's exactly why I want to write down a few things I like about myself right now right here (although I still might have to work on my wording, haha). And if you're still reading: grab a pen and paper and write down five things you love about yourself as well! Or leave them in the comments so I can read them as well! Let's share some confidence!

♥️ I'm a very thoughtful person, which I think is a great trait.
♥️ I really like my eyes, especially my iris - I love the greeny hazel color!
♥️ I'm quite creative and I'd say my English is pretty good.
♥️ I love how genuine I am; I would never pretend to be someone I'm not just to fit in.
♥️ I'm good at reading people and want to work on getting even better at it.

And I was about to end this post by saying how much I doubt that this even makes sense to anyone but then I realized, I don't actually want to write that. These are my thoughts and I wrote this mostly for myself, so take from it what you will.

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1 comment/s

  1. I really must say it is hard to understand how you can describe yourself as not particularly pretty. I think you are absolutely stunning with your raven hair, your knowing little smile, etc. I should not gush to much! But anyway, take heart and be strong, you seem like a really sweet person...

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