Thursday thoughts #2

Let me tell you something.
I overthink. Everything. Way too much. Although I know I've always been that way, lately I have noticed that it's been getting a bit out of control. Over the past year I didn't really have a lot of time to ... think. I was constantly working on projects and running around doing stuff and my mind was so busy with all of that, there was no room for doubts and fear. But now that my days don't consist of getting up, working with ArchiCAD, and going to bed anymore, it feels as though there's a storm brewing inside of my head.

Not knowing what's gonna happen next year, or next month for that matter, really stresses me out. Three years ago, I made the decision to start studying Architecture, and it was probably one of the best decisions I ever made. I knew I wanted to learn about buildings and materials and find out how to work with CAD softwares and how to create layouts and do all sorts of other things. I was eager to spend hours upon hours listening to professors and then try and implement what I had said. I knew it would be the right thing to get up at 6 in the morning and go to the most boring lectures and then come home in the evening and sit down to work on projects. I wanted my life to be busy and I wanted to fill my brain with new knowledge.

And looking back I can say, these past three years have taught me a lot, certainly a lot more than I had anticipated, and most likely more than the two decades before that have. I learnt what it means to work hard. I learnt that at times, life isn't all fun and games, but it's worth pushing through. Do not rely on others, my mother once said to me. Only you can make something happen, make your dreams come true, whatever they may be. (That's something I really need to keep in mind. We all need to keep that in mind, actually.)

Another thing I learnt is that you don't necessarily have to be good at something to be successful. You just have to be fairly confident. And sadly, that's not one of my strenghts. But I'm working on it. I'm not entirely content with what I'm doing. Like, ever. I did not love the designs I did for uni, I wasn't happy with the videos I put on YouTube. But I was constantly trying to improve. And I still am. Every single day. I'm always looking to better myself and I know one day I will achieve my goal: to not worry so much and be happy with what I have, with what I do.

But until that day comes, I'll just have to get used to feeling like a stranded whale sometimes. Like a giant legless animal fighting its way back into the ocean, back into save, deep waters. I'm not the biggest fan of deep water, by the way. Or whales. But they must feel strangely out of place in shallow waters and I can kind of relate to that. 

I felt so all over the place the other day, I grabbed my camera and left the house just so I didn't have to stay home alone with all my thoughts and irrational fears. I took a tram to the city centre and I was wandering around, aimlessly. Just me and my camera, and hundreds of people passing by. I stopped to take a picture and some of the passersby where staring at me (weirdly), making me wonder if there was something wrong with the way I looked. Making me feel out of place there, too.

Standing there I realized, I don't even know where I belong. I haven't found my save, deep waters yet. So I'm going to make it my mission to try and find them over the next year or so. I'm going to make my dreams come true. Even though I never really admited it to myself before, I know that I have achieved so much over the past three years. I know I have every right to dream big. But first, I'm going to take my time to recharge my batteries, and I'll do my best to leave all my worries in a closed drawer in a cabinet in my cellar.

(By the way, on my lips I'm wearing p2 pure color lipstick in 042 Madison Square, and for my eye makeup I used shadows from the original Urban Decay Naked Palette. My shirt is H&M and my studs are from ebelin. And my hair is a naturally curly mess, as usual. I'm absolutely loving that Kérastase stuff I showed in my last Thurday thoughts.)

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